I am what I am not

For the past few months, a feeling of numbness loomed over me. It felt as if I had suddenly been emptied of all of my thoughts and feelings. As the days tumbled by, I remained unusually still. Hollow. My sole desire was to distract myself. So that’s what I did. I scrolled and scrolled and scrolled, until I had completely silenced myself. Murder. My inner dialogue had been hijacked by voices I no longer recognized. Who are you?

 

You might feel beautiful if you post a selfie. You might feel happier if you go shopping. You might feel desirable if you go on dates. You might feel like a good person if you speak up about a cause.

 

Thank you. And did I actually feel any more beautiful, happy, desirable, good? I might have (for a second). The remainder of the day (86 399 seconds) was plagued by a dreadful sense of emptiness. While the artificial happiness slowly faded away (as it does), I tightened my grip on the distractions. Until I slipped. The constant pursuit of instant gratification split me in half: my actions no longer aligned with my values. Get out of my head.

            As of now, I feel less inclined to share myself with others. I’m trying to be whole again; even if that means having to face the emptiness.

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